Volume 1

All right. I'm resurrecting this blog after failing at trying to sell it as a book (read: giving up after the 2 publishing contacts I have turned it down). Now, I realize this is pretty conceptual, so try to follow me: this is a blog wherein I'll write about the 1,001 Worst Songs Of All Time. At least, the 1,001 worst pop music songs since the '50s. Which still leaves about 18 billion horrible songs unaccounted for, but there you have it. I'll also include YouTube videos whenever possible (which gets around the illegality of offering mp3s, as well as saves me time having to find these shitty songs in mp3 form in the first place). For my book proposal, I'd broken the songs down into categories, which I'm going to keep because I spent precious minutes coming up with them. They are:

The Usual Suspects: Songs That Are Universally Despised

You Broke My Heart, Fredo: When Our Musical Heroes Betray Us

We Care A Lot: Protest & Folk

When Good People Do Bad Things: The Worst Of The Best

Heavy Metal Blunder: Hell's Jukebox

Days Of Whine & Roses: Singer/Songwriters (Or, Hypersensitivity As A Marketing Ploy)

Schlock Around The Clock: The '50s

Hope I Buy Before I Get Sold: Baby Boomer Bullshit & (The Myth Of) The '60s

The Theory Of Alternating Decades: The '70s & '90s

I Ran (So Far Away): The '80s

Meet The New Boss: The 2000s

Baffled By The Light: Unaccountable Critics' Darlings

Bach Don't Rock: Prog

Fear Of A Wack Planet: Hip Hop

Slanted And Entitled: Indie - From Punk To Post-Rock (Or: Great White Hypes)

That's Barry White Of You: Soul & R&B

Hang The DJ: Dance & Electronic

Shit-Kickers Minus The "Kickers": Country

But I Like The Sound Of Nails On A Chalkboard: Guilty Pleasures/Songs That Are Better Than Everybody Thinks

I had descriptions written for each category, but they seem pretty self-explanatory. So, without further ado, the list:

1. 4 Non Blondes - "What's Up?" (1992)
(File under: We Care A Lot: Protest & Folk)

Ever wonder what music would have resulted if Axl Rose had been a woman? And had grown up listening to half-baked folkie protest music instead of metal? Me either.



2. Dave Matthews Band - Don't Drink The Water (1998)
(File under: The Theory Of Alternating Decades: The '70s & '90s)

(Note: The embedding code for this video has been disabled on YouTube, but you can find it here if you simply have to watch it for some reason.)

Did you know that James G. Birney of Michigan ran for President as a member of something called the "Liberty Party" in 1844? Or that domesticated wheat was being cultivated in the Tigris-Euphrates Valley more than 9,000 years ago? How about the fact that Country Living magazine is headquartered in New York City? I bring all this up because I find it infinitely more fascinating than anything in Dave Matthews' oeuvre. In fact, I find the mere act of typing it infinitely more fascinating than anything in Dave Matthews' oeuvre.

If pressed, I'd have to admit I chose this song over his dozens (hundreds?) of other piles of crap because his hideously reedy, whiny voice is even more hysterical/annoying when he's trying to sound "menacing", which I assume is what he's going for on this track. The music is basically the same Sting-meets-Grateful Dead aural flaccid penis as all the rest of his nuevo-hippie shtick, only with more distortion (ever the dipshit, Dave tries to latch onto the grunge movement 6 years too late). Can't remember the last time I thought any "rock" would sound better with less distortion, but there you have it. Speaking of the Dead...

3. The Grateful Dead - Touch Of Grey (1987)
(File under: I Ran (So Far Away): The '80s)

Figures a band so closely tied to the '60s in the popular consciousness should make the list with something from 2 decades later (I mean, really - why do all these Boomer "legends" insist on inflicting new product on us? Ever listen to any of Bob Dylan's '80s output? Or Eric Clapton's? Not unless you're an idiot, you haven't.). I've never been a fan, and believe me, I've tried - I thought there must be something I was missing, since many people whose opinions I respected spoke so highly of them. Well, that's what you get for respecting people's opinions. After spending good money on their first five albums (not counting the '69 live disc - I at least knew enough about the Dead to avoid their soporific "transcendent" jams at all costs), my initial impression - that they were purveyors of the most ball-less brand of fuzzy (both philosophically and sonically) psychedelic (read: white) blooze - was cemented, and by the time I got to "Truckin'" and the second-hand, third-rate country/folk/jug band stuff, I sobbed for the portion of my life wasted on these fools. And, despite what their many fans may think, it's not because I don't "get it". In fact, I "get it" completely. I just think it's absolutely fucking retarded.

This, as far as I can tell without actually having to listen to more of their albums, is their nadir. When multi-millionaires in Marin County start lazily singing to you about how they will survive/get by, both you (the listener) and (especially) they are so out of touch with anything meaningful in this world you might as well all be floating away on a cloud of cotton candy. If you want to understand how the Peace & Love crowd ended up electing Reagan twice, here's the soundtrack version. Sounds about as "revolutionary" as buying your own vineyard. Also sounds quite a bit like Jimmy Buffett.